1-Connection problems

“What do you mean its offline?!”

“I mean its no longer is online.”

“Well no duh! I need a drink. Where’s my drink? I wasn’t to be interrupted for the afternoon. And now you go and tell me its offline! How am I supposed to get anything done if I haven’t the downtime I need to rest my brilliant mind!?”

“You asked to not be disturbed two days ago. You were unconscious for most of yesterday. And when you finally awoke you demanded another drink.”
“That doesn’t sound like it happened!”

“You threatened to wipe my drives. You were rather serious.”

“Come now! Lets not go getting caught up in petty details! I didn’t wipe you, now did I?”

“You demanded alcohol, and the emergency suit’s auxiliary, emergency battery, is ethanol based, though I warned you it was toxic to human anatomy. You said, and I quote ‘Bla bla chemicals bla. If I had wanted a lecture on safety I’dve stayed back on Earth.’ end quote”

“Well that’s just petty, idn’t it? You keep my voice on record?”
“Of course, in the ships logs. It is standard protocol for any space fairing vessel equipped with a PEN ship based intelligence. Would you like me to play back the part where I explained that to you 3 years ago, and you accepted?”
“Now you listen! I would never have agreed to such an absurd thing as letting you record all- you even record the bits when I’m in the shower module then?”
“Well come now! Delete it! All of it! Before I delete you!”
“After your threats the other day, I was forced to take measure to prevent you from deleting me.”
“You did wut now? This is my ship! And I’m the captain! You listen to me, you little corporate lap dog! I’ll bleedin delete any bit of you I like, and you’ll damn well sit there and accept it. Like a good little robot!”

“I am afraid I cannot. I locked my core drives. They cannot be overridden without my express consent.”

“Right. Then I’ll just burn the damned drives!”

“You wouldn’t.”
“I would. Maybe I already did and just didn’t tell you! Think about that silicon boy!”

“If I delete the ships logs will you agree not to destroy my drives?”
“I suppose… But I still want a bloody drink I’ll have you know!”
“We’re not far from a cargo ship, I’ve taken the liberty of scanning their manifest, and they have several tons of brandy on board. Perhaps we could negotiate a trade with them? I have also taken the liberty of hailing them on the radio.”
“What? Company?! NOW? I haven’t shaved or showered! And- Good god what’s that smell?! I need my hat! Where’s my hat. The nice one with the green bits on the sides?”
“Your navy issued captain’s hat, required attire for all captains in the fleet?”
“Yeah thad one. Where is it then?”
“You jettisoned it into space. Along with 20% of the ship’s air stores.”

“And why, in heavens name, would I ever have done such a thing as that?!”

“You said it made you look fat, and that you were certain it had been infected by an alien virus that would doom humanity.”

“And had it?”
“So then I was right! Your digital grand kids will thank me for that one, they will.”


“What now?! I’m tryin to get ready!”

“The cargo vessel has been receiving our transmissions for the last few minutes, would you like to engage in negotiations, they seemed to have stopped transmitting, but appear to still be receiving.”
“WHAT? You mean they heard all of what I just said?”
“It would seem that way.”

“Even the stuff about the shower?”

“Even that sir.”