“Attention Commander Seepgood, do you read? We’ve been receiving your broadcast for the last several minutes, why have you hailed us? Over” Was the reply that came over the radio.

“No! Sorry! Can’t read you! You’re f-din- ou-” Screamed the commander, digging through his wardrobe.

“Please repeat Commander. Over”

“cut transmission!” Yell whispered the commander, making an obscene gesture to the closest camera.

“Transmission cut Captain. The vessel is continuing to hail us.”

“Stall them! I’ll have to just wear this!” exclaimed the captain, pull-fighting on a very tight fitting cadet uniform.

“Sir, they have ceased transmission and are no longer hailing us. They have however engaged their active sensory array and appear to be actively scanning us.”

“Wait. They’re scanning me?! Without permission?! At the very least that’ll probably gimme cancer or kill a few too many of me soldiers” the captain said, contemplating sterility, “Well I suppose it could be worse.”

“Affirmative captain, this constitutes an act of aggression, do you wish to retaliate?”

“Retaliate? Whadja mean, like x-ray their family jewels?”

“I can engage our active sensors if you wish sir. Though there is documented correlation between sterility in men or women and being actively scanned. There is however a 0.03% chance that the corresponding electromagnetic scan causes a mutation within one of your cells, and a considerably smaller chance this mutation metastasizes”

“Meta-static? That can’t be right. There’s no way I could become meta-static. What the hell is meta-static?” The captain said, giving up on forcing on the undersized cadet uniform, and instead opting for a polo shirt that read ‘Saul’s Steak House – Best Steaks This Side of the Milky Way’.

“There is a very small chance it causes cancer, to put it simply sir.”